My Weird School Daze #4Dan GutmanPictures byJim PaillotFor EmmaContents 1 The Thing I Love 1 2 Coach Hyatt Is Mean 9 3 Cheerleaders Who Throw Up 16 4 Weird Training Methods 24 5 Dancing in the End Zone 31 6 Rufus the Doofus 42 7 The Sharks 50 8 The First Half 58 9 Halftime 66 10 Our Secret Weapon 74 11 The Moose Goes Nuts 79 12 The Secret Play 88 13 UFM* 97About the AuthorCreditsCoverCopyrightAbout the Publisher and the Illustrator11The ThingI LoveMy name is A.J. and I love school.Going to school is just so much fun! I wish we could go to school at night. I wish we could go to school on the weekend. I wish we never had vacations.Just kidding! Ihate school! Do you know what I would rather do than go to school? I 2would rather eat a dead-bug sandwich. No, I would rather eat a live-bug sandwich. That would be even worse than a dead- bug sandwich, because the bugs would still be moving around in the sandwich while I was eating it. Ugh, disgusting! But even more disgusting than eating a live- bug sandwich is going to school.I dont hate everything, you know. Some stuff I love. Like video games. And skate- boarding. And trick biking.Ill tell you the one thing that I reallylove more than anything in the world. And its not Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair.I love Pee Wee Football.3In the fall I play football every Satur-day. Football is cool because you get to push and shove and yell and knock kids on their butts. And the best part is, you dont even get punished!At school, if you push and shove and yell and knock kids on their butts, you have to go to the principals office. But in football youre supposed to push and shove and yell and knock kids on their butts.Thats why I hate school and love Pee Wee Football. If you ask me, the world would be a better place if they closed all the schools and turned them into Pee Wee Football camps.The only problem is, my team stinks!4Were called the Moose,* and we lost every game last sea

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MyWeirdSchoolDaze#1Dan GutmanPictures byJim PaillotTo EmmaContents1The New PTA President12Ryans Mom Is Weird83The Good Old Days174Everybody Loves Bonbons255Getting Ready for the Big Day346The Greatest Day of My Life437Why Is There a Square on My Head?528Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah639Mrs. Dole Goes Overboard7010Throwing Up8211Passing Out and Making Out9212The Perfect Baby Name98About the AuthorAbout the CreditsCoverCopyrightPublishers1The New PTAPresidentMy name is A.J. and I hate school.But you know what? Soon I wont haveto go to school anymore for a long time.You know why? Because today is the first day of June!Yay! June is the best month of the yearbecause its when summer starts! Yippee!1No school until September!Me and the guys were putting ourbackpacks into our cubbies. It wasMichael who started singing the best song in the history of the world.No more pencils!sang Michael, whonever ties his shoes.No more books!sang Ryan, who willeat anything, even stuff that isnt food.No more teachers!sang Neil, who wecall Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes.Dirty looks!I sang.Thats when Andrea came in. She is anannoying girl with curly brown hair who loves school. Andrea had on her mean face.2Hey Andrea!Ž I said. Whats with themean face? Are you mad because schoolis almost over?ŽNo, Arlo,Ž said Andrea, who calls meby my real name because she knows I dont like it. Thats not why Im mad. Did you hear about the PTA election last night?Ž*No.Ž My mother was running for presi-dent,Ž Andrea said, but she came in second. So she has to be vice president again.ŽBig deal,Ž I told Andrea. If the president3*PTA stands for Parents who Talk A lot.gets assassinated, then your mom willbecome president.ŽNobody assassinates PTA presidents,Arlo!Ž Andrea said, rolling her eyes.They do too!Ž I told her. Do not!Ž Do too!Ž We went back and forth like that for awhile. Sheesh, what a grouch! So what if her mom isnt PTA president? Andrea should take a chill pill. I

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MyWeirdSchool#12Pictures byJim PaillotDan GutmanTo EmmaContents1The Free Stuff Room12Something Going Around93If You Dont Have Something Nice to Say, Say Something Mean234My Head Almost Exploded315Indoor Recess Is No Fun at All386Good News?467Circle of Friends538Getting the Goods on Ms. Todd649The Truth About Ms. Todd8110Our Best Behavior8711Playing Dumb91About the AuthorCreditsCoverCopyrightAbout the Publisher and the Illustrator11The Free StuffRoomMy name is A.J. and I hate school.Theres only one room in Ella MentrySchool that I really like. Its the lost andfound room!The lost and found room is right nearthe office. It is the coolest room in the history of the world because there islots of free stuff in there. Me and myfriends Michael and Ryan call it the free stuff room.Ž You can get just about anything you want, and you dont even have to pay for it. So if I feel like getting a new baseball cap or a pair of sun- glasses, I dont have to go to a store. I just go to the free stuff room at school. Its awesome!So this one morning the bus got toschool a little early, and I went to kill some time in the free stuff room. I saw a really cool black T-shirt with a lightning bolt across the back. It was way cooler than the shirt I was wearing, so I took my shirt off and put the cool one on. It23fit perfectly. I stuffed my old, boringshirt inmy backpack.It was almost time to pledge the alle-giance,so I went to class. The kids were putting their backpacks and lunch boxes in their cubbies. Our teacher, Miss Daisy, wasnt there yet. That was weird. She usually gets to school before any of us.Wheres Miss Daisy?Ž asked Neil, whoeverybody calls the nude kid.Ž He actually wears clothes, but we call him the nude kidŽ anyway. Its a long story.Maybe she got lost,Ž Michael said. Suddenly the door opened. We alllooked up. But it wasnt Miss Daisy.It was Andrea Young, this reallyannoying little Miss Perfect girl withcurly brown hair who I hate. Shes such a nerd. She even keep

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34. THE EAGLE AND THE TORTOISEBy Kate StonhamIn a tumbledown cottage deep in the countryside lived Old Mrs Mum- bles. Every morning, she opened the kitchen door…and threw the remains of last nights dinner onto the grass. Three, two, one…bet I get there first! cried Racy Rabbit. All the animals that lived in the garden charged towards the food – all except Tod the very slow tor- toise. Wait for me…! he croaked. But it was no good – Racy Rabbit, Fox and the birds were greedily tuck- ing into vegetable peelings and left over stew…and by the time Tod arrived, there was nothing left.Its not faaaaaair, he moaned. Ive only got short little legs and my shell is really heavy. Im so slow I always get there last.Never mind, Tod, squeaked his friend, Milly Mouse. Look, Ive saved you a nice piece of lettuce.As Tod chomped away, he spotted a great Eagle soaring on the light breeze way up high. I wish I could fly like that eagle, he sighed. Just imagine how fast �and free I would be!The next day, Tod poked his head from his shell – and nearly jumped �out of it in surprise. For the eagle was standing on the grass, looking right at him.Us eagles have very good eyesight you know, she said in a rather raspy voice.I read your lips yes- terday. And I have come to grant you your wish. I shall teach you to �fly in the sky. Ohhh! Thank you, Eagle! cried Tod. Ill give you anything you want in return.Anything? asked the Eagle with a glint in her eye.1Yes, anything, replied Tod.Tod gasped with excitement as the Eagle carried him high into the sky. Mountains and oceans and forests and castles were spread out below as far as he could see.I can fly! cried Tod with delight. Now, theres just the small mat-ter of my payment, said the Eagle. Im rather partial to small, cud- dly creatures for my tea, so Id like that little mouse you were talking too.What?! But you cant eat Milly – shes my best friend, protested �Tod.

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1. THE HARE AND THE TORTOISEBy Rob JohnLook at me! said the Hare to the other animals. Just look how fast I can run.The Hare ran across a field as fast as he could. All the animals agreed that yes the Hare was very fast. The Hare ran back. See, he shouted. Im not even out of breath.Yeah, that was fast, said a Fox. So who wants a race? said the Hare. Anybody think they could beat me?None of the animals spoke. See, said the Hare. Youre all too scared to even try. Ill have a go, said the Tortoise. The Hare laughed. You? The slow-est creature in the whole world? Im not wasting my time racing a Tortoise.Whats the matter? said the Tortoise. Scared I might beat you?Some of the animals laughed at that so the Hare said, Alright then, Tortoise. Lets have a raceright nowthen well see whos laughing.Not today, said the Tortoise. Well race next week. Got to do a bit of �training first.Next morning the animals watched the Tortoise do his training. First he did some gentle stretching exer- cises to warm himself up and then he started to run.Has he started running yet? asked the Fox.Hard to tell with Tortoises, said the Badger. Hes definitely moving. Is he? said the Fox.Tortoise, are you sure about this? said the Crow. I mean the Hare IS very fast and you…well…1Dont worry, said the Tortoise. This is just day one. Ill speed up. Youll see.On the day of the race crowds of animals came to watch. The Tortoise slowly made his way to the starting line and then suddenlythe Hare arrived at top speed wearing a brand new track suit and four expensive-looking trainers. The race starts here. said the Fox pointing to a line on the ground. And ends at that tree on the other ����� �� ��� ����. ����� ��� �� ����� the tree is the winner.Right, lets get on with it, said the Hare. Ready Tortoise? Ready to see some real speed?Im ready, said the Tortoise. Ready, steadygo! said the Fox a

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10. THE MILLER, HIS SON AND THE DONKEYBy Sue ReidFetch our old donkey, the miller said to his son one day. Were tak- ing him to market. We need money and weve nothing else to sell. The son ran to the stable where the donkey was kept. He threw a hal- ter over its neck. And the donkey wasnt happy!!!Grumpy old thing! said the son, as he led the donkey out of the stable. Im not sorry were selling you!� Im not sorry either, brayed the donkey. When was the last time you gave me a carrot!We wont ride him, said the miller. Itll be easier to sell him if hes not tired. They led the donkey down the street towards the town. Hey, you, a man shouted suddenly.Why dont you ride the donkey?� Thats what its for! another man hollered.The crowd began to laugh.The miller hated to be laughed at. Get up, son, he said. The son climbed up on to the donkeys back. At least its the smaller one, the donkey grumbled as he felt the sons weight on his back. Some- thing to be grateful for, I suppose.But they hadnt travelled far before they passed three merchants, whis- pering and shaking their heads. What is the world coming to? the miller heard one of them say.Get down, young man. Let your master ride the donkey.The miller thought hed better do as they said. Hop down, lad, and help me up, he said to his son.So the son climbed down and helped his father clamber up. Ee-aw! grumbled the donkey, as the miller landed on his back. What a lump. Worse than a sack of potatoes.1His back was hard and bony.The miller wasnt sorry when they reached the gates of the town.A group of girls were standing there, bags and baskets in their hands. The miller pulled on the donkeys halter. Whoa! he said. Let the la���� ������� ����.Cor, look at that poor boy, one of the girls said, seeing the son lead the donkey, his father on top. His master should let him ride too.Lazy thing. The miller was a bit cross, but he liked to p

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35. THE TOWN MOUSE AND THE COUNTRY MOUSEBy Nicky GrischottiTown Mouse was very fond of his own appearance.'I shall visit my friend Country Mouse,' he announced one morn- ing, waxing his whiskers with a dab �of butter and admiring his reflec-tion in the teapot. 'And he shall see what a very fine mouse I am!' And with a hop and a skip he straight- ened his bow tie and scurried off to catch the 10.17 packing crate bound for Paddington station.Meanwhile, deep in the trunk of an old chestnut tree, Country Mouse was busy dusting and tidying, cleaning and sweeping and cook- ing an extra special hotpot of beans and corn to welcome his cousin from the city. He had been collect- ing food all week to celebrate.There was a loud rap at the door and Country Mouse took off his apron and scampered over to greet his friend.There on the doorstep stood Town Mouse looking very smart indeed in his pin-stripe suit and bowler hat.He handed Country Mouse his gloves and bag, looked down his long nose and said, 'What a very small house you have dear cousin… no chandeliers, no Persian rugs… no velvet cushion to rest upon?'Country Mouse smiled, he was very fond of Town Mouse and he ignored his snooty remarks - he knew that he didn't mean to be rude.'Come and sit down, dear cousin. You must be tired and hungry from your journey,' he said pulling out a little acorn stool for him to sit on.'What no napkins?…no silver ser-vice?' sniffed Town Mouse. 'No scented bowl to wash my paws?'Country Mouse smiled again and served up the hot soup and barley- seed bread.'What is this food?' scoffed Town Mouse. 'No caviar, no steak tartare?1No pickled herring and horse-radish ������! ����, �� ������, ����� �������! ����� ��� �� ��� ���� ���� � ����� ���� ��� ��� �� ����!� It was late that night when they arrived at Town Mouse�s House and as they crept along the hall to the grand dining room Country Mouse felt the soft wool carpet under his tired little paws and the warm glow ���

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24. THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGSBy Nicky GrischottiThere once was a very poor farmer.So poor he lived in an old tumble- down pigsty in the middle of no- where with only acorns and the odd goose egg to eat and a bale of straw for his bed. His name was Attacus Greeb.Now Attacus Greeb hadnt always been poor. Hed inherited a large and prosperous farm from his father and hed owned land as far as the eye could see. But Attacus Greeb was a lazy man. He didnt like work.'I'm far too good to be milking cows,' he said. 'I should be Lord of the Manor with servants and footmen…and heaps of silver and gold.'So over the years, instead of work-ing for a living he'd simply sold off his possessions.He'd sold almost everything his father had given him - his house, his land, his horses, his pigs, his cattle and all he was left with wasone single goose who lived with him. 'Oh what is to become of me?' wailed Attacus late one night. 'I have no house, no food and no money and nothing left to sell…I shall surely starve!' And then he looked at his goose. 'It's no good honking at me goosey it's off with you to the market to-morrow – you haven't laid an egg in weeks and your feathers will fetch me a fair few guineas.' And off he went to sleep. The next morning Attacus Greeb awoke to a glittering dawn. It was so light and bright he had to shield his eyes. But it wasn't the sunlight shining, he could hardly believe what he saw, it was a gigantic, glorious…Golden Egg! 'You clever girl! Ha! H!a Ho! Ho! We'll be rich! Rich beyond our dreams!' So off he went to market pushing the egg in an old wheelbarrow… and back he came with a barrowful of meat to cook, chicken feed for his goose and a huge bag of coins. 1'Oh how I wish I had money to buy a horse-drawn carriage,' he said patting his full tummy that night. �'That's what I need to be happy.' Well, the very next morning the same thing happened…there was another shiny golden egg lying beside the goose. S

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12. THE DONKEY IN THE LIONS SKINBy Jan PayneThere was once a foolish donkey who wished he was something else.If only I was a giraffe, he would say, 'then I could look over the tops of treesif only I was an elephant then I could remember where I left thingsif only I was a cheetah then I could run like the �windor fierce as a rhinoceros �or cunning as a crocodileor strong as a hippo. Anything was better than being a donkey. Everyone laughed at don- keys and he didnt like it one little bit.One day, when he was walking through the forest the donkey saw something draped over the branch of a tree. When he got closer he could see it was a lion costume.Id look good in that, he thought. So he put it on.It covered him from head to foot.The donkey found a pool and �looked at his reflection.I look magnificent, he said. He paraded up and down looking at his reflection from every angle. The massive head of the lion covered his donkeys head and the �lions golden mane flowed round his neck. I look like a lion and I feel like a lion, he said. No-one will laugh at me now. I am King of the beasts!The donkey couldnt wait to show himself to other animals. He walked up to a giraffe who was eating leaves from the top of a tall tree. She stopped when she saw the donkey and bent her long legs in a curtsy.Your Majesty, she said, in a fearful voice.Greetings, giraffe, said the donkey in a deep, lion-like voice. Wont you join me in a stroll?1I cant today, said the giraffe, I have to get tea for my children.And she ran away as quickly as she could.The donkey smiled to himself. He saw a hippo in the river.The hippo bowed his head when he saw the donkey.Your Majesty, he said, in hushed tones. Greetings hippo, said the donkey. Wont you join me in a stroll? I cant today, said the hippo. I have to call on a friend who is sick. And he sank out of sight.Inside the lion costume the donkey was grinning all over his face. H

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13. THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPERBy Rob JohnOne hot summers day a Grass-hopper sat on a blade of grass �enjoying the sunshine.What a fine day, he said. The suns shining and Ive got as much grass as I can eat.The Grasshopper spent the whole morning stuffing his face until he couldnt eat another thing. Right, he said. Now Ill make some music.He rubbed his back legs against his wings and made a loud buzzing sound. Lovely, said the Grasshopper. Nothing better than the sound of a happy Grasshopper.Give it a rest, said a passing Ant. What? said the Grasshopper.� Im trying to work here, said the Ant. Youre giving me a headache.You dont like my music? said the Grasshopper.Not my kind of thing, said the Ant. Anyway aint got time to stand �around talking about music. Got stuff to do.Stuff? said the Grasshopper. What stuff have you got to do on a lovely �sunny morning like this?Gotta get this food shifted, said the Ant. The Grasshopper noticed that the Ant was dragging along a huge ear of corn. That looks like hard work, mate, said the Grasshopper.Tell me about it, said the Ant.�What you doing with it? said the Grasshopper.Taking it to our nest, said the Ant. Whatre you doing that for? �Food for the winter, said the Ant. 1���tt� �et �e��� ��� t�e ���te�.Why? said the Grasshopper. Winte� ���t ��me ��� ��e�. ���t ��e ���te� t���t�e ���te�.�t� ���mme� ���. ��� ����� ����t t�e ����te����e ������ ����� ����t t�e ���te�. ���� t�e ��t. ��e ��e�� ��� ��mme� ���t�e���� �� ���� ��� t�e ���te�. ��t� ���t �e ��t� ��.��t� ��t ���t ���������e�� ��, said the Grasshopper. We Grass-�����e�� ���� ��� t� e���� t�e ���mme�. ��t��ee�m��e ��me ����� m�����t� � ��e ���e. �e ����������e�� ���� ��� t� ���e, see.�����t, ���� t�e ��t. ���� �e��e ��� to it.����t �� ��t, m�te, ���� t�e ���������e�. ��t��� ������. ���� �t�e ��� ��t� me.������. ���� t�e ��t. ����e � ����, � got stuff to do. ��e ��t �����e� ���

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36. BELLING THE CATBy Rob JohnThe mice who lived on a farm were very happy because the farmers cat which was supposed to hunt and kill mice was old and lazy and spent most of his time sleeping in the sunshine. Cant be bothered with catching mice any more, said the old cat. All that lurking about and pounc- ing. Got better things to dolike sleeping. So the mice ran about safely all over the farm and had plenty to eatuntil one day an awful thing happened. The farmer came into the farmyard carrying a wooden box. He put it �on the floor andout of the box walked a cat; a new young cat with black sleek fur and long sharp claws. The cat looked around the farmyard and she sniffed the air.Huh, shes nothing to be scared of, said a young mouse. Shes only a cat. Only a lazy old cat.But an old mouse wasnt so sure. The new cat didnt look oldor lazy. This cat looked young and keen andhungry. Just be careful, said the old mouse. Just keep your eyes open and be very careful.That night the new cat prowled the farmyard. She walked silently in the darkness; invisible in her black coat. She watched and she waited; listening for the tiniest sound. In the morning when the mice met for breakfast in the barn there didnt seem to be quite so many of them. Where is everyone this morning? said the young mouse.I wonder, said the old mouse look-ing at the new cat who was sitting outside the farmhouse with a big smile on her face.Each night more mice disappeared…and the new cat seemed to be getting fatter. 1Soon the mice were really scared. Finally the old mouse called a meeting.We have to do something, he said. If we cant get rid of this cat shell end up eating us all. We need a plan. The problem, said the old mouse, is that you cant hear the cat com- ing. She moves silently in the darkness. You dont know shes thereuntil its too late.Thats it! said the young mouse. We get a bell and tie it round the cats nec

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